#im losing my mind i cant stop distracting myself or ill go fucking crazy

[eddiexmunsn]

i literally just want my cat back that's all i want i'll never ask for anything ever again just bring him back to me

[deadlyassaultonmymind-blog]

extremly personal journal entry but i need to get this out so i dont explode

im sick and tired of feeling this way. im tired of always fighting and always having to be the responsible one. i hate that you dont care how much you hurt me and how you affect me. i hate all the hypocrisy of our relationship. i hate that you cheat i hate that you leave the room where you and our kids were all playing together to go talk with some other girl who you send nudes with and say i love you to them. those are my  iloveyous. but i dont get them i hate how every explanation for you behavior goes back to me. i hate that now that i did something wrong that i didnt care to respect your pain and medical problems/health at the time and fought with you over something else. i hate how now instead of you trying to stop and figure out whats at the bottom of your behavior you say that we cant fight about this anymore i cant handle the stress and all of it our being around you.

i hate that i care so much and that i dont want to close you and that im scared and realizing that im pushing you away by arguing about how much you hurt me. i hate it. its so annoying and frustrating and heartbreaking and it just hurts it feels like my hearts been ripped out like i dont have it anymore like i cant breath like all of my life all of my being is gone.

i hate having to sit next you and watch you talk with others and bad mouth me and god please i just want you to care. care that youve hurt me care that what you say affects me. care that i cry and do something about it. im tired of having to be given time to let you keep doing it because it distracts you makes you feel better about yourself that you need time to stop. good god i cant handle it i cant stand it

you never not once have stopped fighting with me when i say i just cant today. never did you care when i said this is killing me you have to stop. when you say i cant and i dont know what im gonna do about us. i listen. i stop fighting with you and i have been or at least try to and let you know and apologize for the way i have been recently but you dont do the same back to me.

i do one thing and now suddenly you dont know if you want to or can be  with me. and every time i  do anything you say im pushing you away but thats ridiculous youve been pushing me away. everyitime you send money to strangers and meet up with ppl youre pushing me away up until that point you were scared of losing me and now you dont know about being with me its just to convenient. its just sounds so ridiculous when you say that i keep finding and seeing new things and it drives me absolutely insane but you dont stop. you dont care and thats what hurts. it hurts because youve move on thats why you dont care how you hurt me you dont care you dont care. youre gonna replace me and move then take our kids away from me. youve said it a thousand times before and made me promise that id still take you back no matter what that ill be your side girl while you find someone new and pretty and god it hurts feels like im dieing when i say those things but i do it anyway. and so know im fucking scared cause all of my fears are coming true.

im scared of losing someone who is heartless and cruel and has changed me from who i used to be so know im lost and nothing. just sndering around helpless and wishing i had a friend to cry to and to hold and be held. but i have no one cause you made me stop talking to them.

but you get friends you get to go out and screw around and screw me over. im so tired i just cant keep going.i just wish id fall asleep and never wake up. i look foward so much to sleep because my mind and the voices’ and ANA they arent there. i dont have reoccurring memories of all the stuff youve put me through and i can breath i can relax cause im tired of being called names and im tired of being abused and treated as if im disposable. im tired that myself has turned against me and that i dont know whats true or reality and im tired of it. im horrified because i told you this and now you cant trust me because you dont know what ill do you cant trust me and then you mess with my memories and everytime im fucking crazy its all in your head when you only do that when it comes to your cheating it doesn't matter suddenly im insane even with proof right in front of your face i bring it up then its oh yeah yep i did it o well whatever and a horrible attitude to match,

and the worst part is that i believe everything everyone tells me all the horrible names and hateful things. i believe it all in my heart of hearts.

so even after a full year of cheating driving me crazy and treating me like crap i make 1 mistake and everything becomes on me. suddenly i over react and you dont think what you do is bad that my behavior is uncalled for. that im crazy because i am and that you have no responsibility in the matter. 

i hate it 

i hate so much of it

im so tired of being alive

im so done with being in an abusive relationship

[swearronchanel]

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 6.07

AHHH OMG, I was out all day & Actually MISSED the NEW episode like wtfff?!!? it was TOrture!! & I literally had to delete twitter and Tumblr off my phone because the devil himself would’ve tempted me lmfao😭 I love spoilers but not when everyone has seen the episode but me! it’s okay though I had some rum chata to distract me lol, which is just rum and horchata which is the Hispanic version of Horlicks so, At least I was in the CtM Spirit 🙃

Anyway I’m finally getting to watch it so here we go ..

shit I’m so nervous and I haven’t pressed play

why is my heart beating so fast omg

i usually skip the intro but I’m legit not ready

PHYLLIS !! 💕

damn Vanessa already hinting at what’s to come

Baby Susan so precious omg!!

No lie one of the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen lots of ugly babies and lots of cute babies, I’m qualified to judge.

“Courage and resilience will matter most of all” 😭😭ahh omg

My spirit animal and campion Phyllis deserves nothing but the best I’m not ready to see her hurt

SHELAGH GETTING EXAMINED 😭😭💕💕 MY HEART IS BURSTING & her belly is so big omg!

CRYING SHE STILL CANT BELIEVE ITS HAPPENING ME EITHER BBY 😭 like holy shit I’m still not over it.

But I’m going to binge series 6 with my mother when I’m home Saturday and can’t wait for her to watch because she wanted to see shelagh have a baby & also she doesn’t know what tf has happened 😭😭😂 it’s been a crazy series! She will be s h o o k

“I know I’m just not a very relaxed sort of person” SAME but BBY RELAX 😭💕

LOL I WOULDNT HAVE READ IT EITHER

That was a cute moment with Babs and Shelagh!! But still wish it was w/ Trixie though 🙁 also it didn’t seem like a “heart to heart”? was it supposed to or was I expecting too much

Aw Rhoda 💔

what a ignorant ass teacher though, I’ll  FIGHT HER REAL QUICK

BOY OR GIRL??? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW UGH WHAT IS BABY TURNER??!

ugh Shelagh and Patrick’s faces 😫 I hope they don’t feel guilty for having a baby

But also why does shelagh have to keep wearing the same things lol, I feel cheated of all the cute maternity looks she could’ve served instead

“Having to explain” poor Mrs Antoine UGH THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, THERE’S NOTHING TO BE EXPLAINED   I’m mixed, Hispanic and white not black and white but still my dad is tan & we’ve been places where people have given my parents the dirtiest looks and have heard a nasty comment or two & it BOILS MY BLOOD

Omg the Antoine boys are precious

TRIXIE 😍😍 my bby looks good!

PHYLLIS IN TROUSERS HELL YES

UM VALARIE CAN U NOT BE RACIST

I swear if she says anything more I’ll lose my shit

“No one can really choose who they fall in love with” BLESS U DEELS

Bless Phyllis for making sure those cubs don’t grow up to be as ignorant as their parents

“I surmise the puller of teeth is intended to admire it” SISTER MJ IS A GEM

LOL SISTER J WANTS HIM TO COME THROUGH

SISTER WINIFRED WITH ANOTHER PRICELESS FACE IM DEAD

A bassoon? Lmaoo what the actual fuck Tim

Oh it’s for girls ofc LOL give him a girlfriend already, I’d get such a kick out of it. & Patrick could make another dad joke and say like take a lesson from me I legit beat God over a woman’s heart

The Mullucks fam 😭

Patrick with Susan omg aww

Trixie looking like a b a b e I’m dead 😍

“You’ll look like you’re trying to hard” DELIA HAHA OMG SHE GETS LIKE ONE MIN OF SCREEN TIME BUT SHE ALWAYS HAS GOOD LINES

I need Trixie’s everything, no joke. HOW

But I’m dying my hair blonder this week don’t play

Ah my bby shelagh again 😍💕

I feel so sorry for Patrick like this wasn’t your fault

LMAO SISTER WINIFRED CANT CONCENTRATE IN COMPLINE  SHE IS ANNOYINGLY PRECIOUS

She’s scared to take her driving test aw 😂😂 same like I have my permit but I’m scared to fail the actual driving test

“Oh I have a soft spot for the Antoines” PHYLLIS TIENE UN GRAN COROZON 😭

Omg Mr and Mrs Antoine are so cute too, dios te bendiga 😰

Christopher being a flake wtf no me gusta

Sister W is in on the drama like Sister B was, am I right??

LMAO HER RUN

Prosthetics are so wild, my abuelo has a prosthetic leg and I was so interested when he first got it. But also I’m going to hell for being evil because I joke around way too much when he’s extra senile

“People call my kids hair frizzy, but I think it’s beautiful” MY HEART😭💔 literally my mom was the same with me. Defensive over my curls - even tho my hair is frizzy sometimes😭

The song though, took me a second to process but that’s my bby shelagh’s song ?? Ummm wut

lol sister Winifred hella late, let me guess this will make her want to drive?

this prosthetic place is so great wow omg

damn it Bernie

PHYLLIS LOVES THIS FAMILY AND I LOVE THEM ALL OMG 😭😭

GET THE RUM ! or I will lol

ah never mind

LOL SISTER W AGAIN & PHYLLIS SHAKING HER HEAD

the question is, does/has sister Winifred drink/drank ? she seems like a light weight

fuck is this when it’s gonna happen

I’M NOT READY DAMN IT

damn Bernie..

UGH MY HEART IS RACING IM SO ANXIOUS AND SCARED AHJXKWLXM

HOLY SHIT OMGGGG

THAT WAS SO HARD AHH OMGG

IM FUCKING SCREAMING

Phyllis is in shock o h m y g o d

I can’t process this either

OMG I CANT DEAL

PHYLLIS IS SOBBING, IM SOBBING WTFFFF OMGG 😭😰😰😰💔💔💔

MY FUCKING HEART

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OMG

AW SISTER W ASWELL UGH WTF I SHOULDNT FEEL SO MUCH

LMAO OMG THANK U FOR COMIC RELIF

TIM SUCKS LMAO stick to the damn piano boy

PATRICK AND SHELAGH GIGGLING OMG MY HEART IS OKAY NOW 😭😭💕💕

SHELAGH AND PATRICK BEING SO CUTE IM CRYING

DAMN THALIDOMIDE

DAMN THAT CAR UGH  

DAMN IT ALL

LOW FUCKING BLOW BERNIE THAT WAS NOT HER FAULT

BABS TRYING TO COMFORT PHYLLIS  IM CRYING AGAIN

SHE IS SO HURT, I AM SO HURT, IM A BLOODY MESS OF TEARS. IM SOBER AND SAD NOW & THERE’S MASCARA In MY CONTACT LENS & MY 3yr OLD GREMLIN LITTLE COUSIN IS KICKING ME (lol he’s laying next to me)

AND CARRIE CRYING NOW OMGGG NO LENNY WONT DIE STOP

“That lovely gp of yours” lol does everyone have a crush on Dr Turner but me? Lol don’t come @ me pls I’m sorry I know people love him 😭😭 Im here for Christopher and Tom But He is handsome, just in an older man way Lmaoo guess it’s cause he could be my dad 😂 lol he’s older than my dad

I’d take him as a sugar daddy real quick though. I need my tuition paid and he is so sweet😏 😭😂

So it was a scarf, hmm I thought trixie was gonna find like stockings or something

“Not Hermès but something very like it” lol how does Trixie know what Hermès feels like on a nurses salary?

Valarie is on my nerves & she’s had like 2 mins of screen time Lmaoo I’ve liked her until this episode. I hope they don’t ruin her for me

“But I’m a member of the institute of advanced motorists”  UGH PHYLLIS IS A GEM WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THIS !! SHE IS THERE FOR EVERYONE ALWAYS, SHE ALWAYS DOES GOOD WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO HER?

Aw Sister Winifred

Oh Rhoda 💔💔she’s such a great mother

MY HEART, THEY WERE WALKING AWAY FROM BEING TEASED

BLAME THE RACISTS, IT IS ALWAYS A VALID BLAME

YES PHYLLIS IS A GOOD WOMAN! 😭😭

Tom trying to comfort Phyllis😭😭

“You’re fond of your meat, and our views on God and His existence are divergent to say the least, but we both follow vocations…. so if you caused harm to someone else, even inadvertently would it not make you question what everything in your life has come to stand for?” I’m c r y i n g

“I, a rational woman, have no one to question but myself” 😭💔

IM REALLY HURT

“Sometimes cheering people on the sidelines doesn’t help”

my bby killing it 😍

Why you being a flake Christopher? go ahead man tell her about your kid

BRUH YOU DONT TELL HER LIKE THAT LMAO

he’s divorced ah, thought it was out of wedlock. I don’t care though haha

NO DRINKS FOR TRIXIE, TELL HIM BBY.. in your own time of course 💕

BABY SUSAN SO PRECIOUS

Fred brought her car ugh And Phyllis is still so hurt as am I 💔

This lady is so sweet! I hope she and Rhoda become friends right now

DID SHE TAKE DISTIVAL TOO?

lol wait where are the Turners I miss them??

“.. and the words ‘Nonnatus house this is not a midwife speaking’ are most unlikely to reassure the caller” SISTER MJ!

YES SHE DID OMG. I need them to be best friends omg 💔😭

“Nothing was said, nothing was done” 💔💔

PHYLLIS LOOKING AT THE CAR

SISTER MJ IS GOING WITH HER MY HEART OMG

my heart my heart

aw the mullucks'😭 ofc IT WASNT YOUR FAULT!

SISTER MJ IS A GEM 💕😭 & PHYLLIS IS JUMPING BACK IN

TWO GEMS 😭💕 but also if this was the birth they meant that sister MJ was involved in ill be lowkey sad, but we shall see next week if she’s randomly with Shelagh when she delivers

Trixie serving more looks 😍

Aw my bby 💔does she tell him about her alcoholism at the end of this ?

Also what are we guessing about Valarie rn?? she has a secret? tragic backstory to be unlocked? what ? She gay?

Aw the mulluks’s again! All so sweet💕 & YES LYDIA BE FRIENDS

ugh Christopher looks good af😍 and that car yes

YES TRIXIE 😍 my girl looking good as well

SHE TOLD HIM 😭 IM CRYING IM SO PROUD 😭😭💕💕WHY DO I FEEL SO PROUD FOR A FICTIONAL CHARACTER??! I love her

Oh shit Patsy’s dad is dead. I assumed that was coming

Phyllis reassuring Delia awww

PHYLLIS BACK AT THE CUBS 😭 MY CHAMPION AND SPIRIT ANIMAL BOUNCING BACK

Lenny’s speech omg brb crying

The support group for thalidomide victims omg my heart

I was cryin before and now I’m crying more for this Irish lady

Omg side side side note there was this cute old interracial couple that seem like my parents in 20yrs in JFK yesterday that were so precious and sweet and we’re talking to me the whole time waiting at the gate & then there was this sweet Irish couple who were confused about the time difference and I helped them out and then when we landed they helped me out looking for my bag so now I have much more faith in humanity because usually the people in NYC airports are angry new yorkers who don’t care lol like me (jk)

“There’s no rule of life so simple or so true ..” 😭😢💔💖

Thank u Vanessa I’m so emotional, show me next week 

Bonus: next week

OMG PHYLLIS HUGGING SHELAGH OMGGG. I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE THIS

PHYLLIS BETTER DELIVER THE BABY I KNOW I WANTED TRIXIE BUT IT DOESNT SEEN LIKELY AND SO INEED PHYLLIS (sister J too ofc?! She was barely in this past episode)

MY BBY SHELAGH’S TUMMY IS SO BIG IN HER UNIFORM OMG SHE’S SO PRECIOUS I LOVE HER I MISSED HER THIS PAST EPISODE

BUT OH MY GOD BABY TURNER IS COMING HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING THIS IS NOT A DRILL

HERE COMES THE PILL READY OR NOT #LETSGETIT1962

Lol oh shoot I didn’t take mine yesterday or today brb

AW DELIA

WHAT IS SIGNIFICANT ABOUT BABS SLEEPING I NEED TO KNOW

Lol idk why but even though I like Tom and Babs their relationship just doesn’t do anything for me😂😂 like I don’t give a shit? They’re cute but idk it doesn’t cut it. Like they’re just there and I’m like “aw ok”

OMG I CANT WAIT WHAT WILL HAPPEN ?! I NEED ANSWERS

I will die next week. For real. 

[mir-i-am-am-i]

This was me

I cannot believe how grateful i am to not feel like i did this time last year.

whats weird is that when you do feel like that, you feel like its normal. thats why its often not that obvious if its you talking or your mental illness talking. so now, on the ‘other side’, i can appreciate the darkness and the mind fuckery that actually was my life last year and the year before that. 

it doesnt even feel like it was me. its like two completely different people.

it feels as though my issues were split into two sections, however, both contained a standard level of hopelessness. 

1.

‘Nothing days’ (depression)

i called them my nothing days because when they came around i just didnt feel anything. i didnt feel sad, i didnt feel worried, i felt nothing. 

below sadness. 

i would feel completely completely emotionless. i couldnt make choices about anything! suddenly buying a chocolate bar became a 15 minute affair. 

then there was the less ‘nothing’ depression which ended up becoming pretty constant. it made everything feel cloudy and grey and useless. it made me resent my music, my instruments, my family and my friends. because it made everything feel shit, i started to believe that it was just me and that it was my fault for feeling that way. i would go out with friends and have a great time and then go home and cry for ages and i couldn’t understand it at all.

i started randomly pulling sick days at work and began constantly bailing on friends (sorry btw) even though most of the time all i wanted was to be see someone and let them effortlessly distract me from the trap that was my own frickin mind. and yet whenever it came to actually seeing people there was always something telling me it was a bad idea or that it would be too awkward. even thought i DEFINITELY felt better every time i saw them. even if i cried when i got home. 

it was like being held down by a chain which was nailed into the ground. holding me at an awkward angle so i could nearly stand up but not quite. it made my whole body ache.   

depression is so awful. infact i can honestly saw i’d rather have a broken leg. atleast with a fracture you know, even though its shit right now, it’ll improve. with something like this you cant see the finish line. it seems like a never ending bad dream that somehow convinces you that its a normal way to feel. its only when you look back, once free of it, that you realise how dark and cloudy and ultimately FUCKED UP it all was.

damn. i cant believe it even happened to me. i cant believe it happened at all. it feels like a world away now. 

2.

Anxiety!

a whole different kettle of frickin fish.

although i’d had depression before, in school, i had never experienced anxiety. i mean, im a worrier. but not the extent that i’d ever considered myself to be an anxious person. 

atleast with anxiety you can kinda separate it from your normal self. well thats how i saw it anyway, mainly because it wasnt constant. it would smack me in the face when i missed a train, watched a program about people dying or even just my mum, dad or boyfriend not replying to my texts quick enough. 

3 people in my life died in one year from unnatural causes and from this i realised that everything is actually pretty frickin fragile. it only takes a dickhead driver or crossing the street without seeing a car..and thats it. done. dead.

i dont fear death. i didnt fear death when i was sick. i feared that i would get a call saying that someone really close to me was suddenly gone and there was nothing that was gonna change that. the idea filled me with such panic and terror and i couldnt stop thinking about it. 

through counselling, i worked out that it wasnt the pain of losing a loved one. it was that if i did lose a loved one i didnt believe i’d be able to cope. i felt so fragile and so near breaking point, from worrying about shit i had no control over, that i truly believed if i lost someone..it would kill me. 

even writing this i can feel the panic.

ERGH why did i think this was a good idea?!

anway, same with an injury, if you let it rest it’ll heal quicker. slowly but surely. 

all through out this time i was working pretty much every day and it was starting to destroy me. 

so i went away and had 7 days where i had absolutely nothing to do and nothing to worry about. the only thing i could worry about was whether or not i had enough suncream. this gave me an opportunity to relax. and although my issues didnt just disappear from that holiday, it gave me a head start on the road to recovery. 

often you cant see something clearly until you look at it from a different angle.

i spent two years thinking i was fucking crazy. but i wasnt, i was sick.

i can see that now and i am grateful.   

[iisthisurltakenyetuniverse-blog]

not going to be using this for too much anymore, but eh

Not sure who is reading this, I'm trying to prevent an audience of people that do know me, or whatever. i don't really care right now. 

i feel like i have so much to say, but not enough time or energy to say it.  you see, I'm suffering from Depression. i can't get out of bed. I cant eat, and I cry all the time.  my fiancé is an alcoholic. we have a 3mo daughter. He is the sole reason I have depression. This post is going to be my closure. I will not come back to it once i OFFICIALLY leave him. Every night, he drinks and drinks, then he picks up the baby, screams for me, and tell me ‘I can't hold her. I'm too drunk’ 

this isn't the first time, and I know it won't be the last until I leave him for good. I hate him. i truly, honestly, deeply hate him. I haven't loved him since i hit the 3rd month of my pregnancy, when he beat me, and i won't ever love anybody again. 

He is definitely the root of my problems, and i know how bad that sounds, but its true. He has thrown my cell phone and my wallet off of our 8th floor balcony because I did not have weed for him, nor would he wake up for work on time. I will post photos as well.  When I went to retrieve my items (what was left of them anyway); my phone was completely gone. and with it, the evidence that would have saved me and bring me to a safer life. I don't want him. i can't have him in my life.  He has repeatedly thrown me around. His mother would take his side, stating ‘you're crazy.’ meanwhile, she forced me to live in an apartment that i cannot afford, and to have me on the lease (Im listed as occupant, so I legally have no rights over her, i just can't get in shit with the landlord or whatever. source: http://ontariolandlordandtenantlaw.blogspot.ca/2013/04/my-roommate-abandoned-me.html?m=1) I remember one day; i think it was july or august, i don't know right now. I came home from my job at a collections office, to him dead asleep and an empty vodka bottle on the living room table, and in the bathroom on the sink. (i don't know what a mickey is, but he had one 750ml bottle, and one 250mL.) He works at 700PM and i know he has to leave for 630. so I wake him up at 5:45 to 6. I get home on fridays at 5pm, so i don't exactly have much time to do anything for myself, and we were also well aware of the pregnancy and how far along i was (8 weeks or so. I know it wasn't 12 yet because I did not want to tell anybody besides him yet)  So, here I am. 93lbs of me trying to wake him up. he keeps shoving me away and telling me to fuck off. no, wake up and go to work. he wouldn't. so whatever. i tried, he can go in late like he usually does.  at 620, his phone rings. I dont know who it is, and I don't care. I was in the living room having my tea and reading articles on my phone when he rips the bedroom door apart, screams at me for not waking him up, and demanding I give him weed. right. now.  i DID NOT have any on me, nor was I supposed to. I was pregnant and I was trying to kick the habit. he started screaming, yelling, throwing everything around the room and apartment screaming that ‘I need my fix. you hid some. where is it?’ keep in mind, this was well past 630 i TOLD HIM repeatedly, i DO NOT have any. and i started to record evidence on my phone in the form of a voice recording (incase it goes to court.) He notices that it made a sound, ran to the corner I was in, picked up my phone (which had my ID and my debit card in the case.) threatened to throw it out the balcony if i was recording. i said no. its mine give it back.  So he proceeds to run to the balcony, and chuck it over. (my girlfriend happened to be downstairs at the time and picked it up for me. She recognized my case and gave it back when i ran to grab it. i HAVE included photos of the phone on the next post. it wouldn't let me here for some reason) Before I am able to run downstairs, he proceeds to lift me up, throw me on the ground, and sit on my neck until I promise to ‘stop being a stupid little bitch causing unnecessary drama.’ this whole time i was pinned, I was screaming for help. anybody. just somebody to hear me rasping my voice and losing consciousness from a 288lb male sitting on my neck. Knowing time was going to run out, I had to warn him. ‘if you do not get off of me i will bite you until you let go, and I will not stop until you do.’ he, did not take the chance to believe me, and proceeded to scream as i bit down. He did not let go of my head. He decided to place a call to my parents to let them know what i did. the conversation followed: (from what i could hear, remember, i have no phone anymore.) Crazy Male I reside with: your daughter bit me, and you need to pick her up and take her to a mental hospital. My father: Can you tell me why she bit you? I can't punish my daughter if I don't know why she would randomly bite you. she's not an animal.  CM: She bit me and I'm bleeding. come pick her up. Dad: Why did she bite you? Answer me. CM: She bit me! you need to come get her! anyway so my parents never found out, and still don't know what happened. I will probably show them this post one day when I’m comfortable with accepting this. I am writing this so I could finally have some closure from this relationship. he has thrown and broken countless things of mine, from makeup being whipped at a wall for it to explode, to my handbag being thrown out a window and the front door in the wind. not once, has he ever owned up to these, nor apologized. 

The next day, he was bruised in the spot where i bit him, and demanded that everybody knew ‘I was a crazy psychotic bitch.’ even my parents didn't believe him. They knew something was up. Anyway, I stayed in the apartment, actually, I'm writing this in the apartment with my daughter in her swing, and him smoking his life away. 

anyway, after that episode, he kicked me in the abdomen twice, he threw his phone at me, and told me ‘When I come back, i don't ever want to see you again.’ okay, great. same page. bonus.  So the mall closes at 9, its almost 8now. I had to sprint to the mall phone kiosk and ask them to charge me for another one. I was in tears and covered in dirt and whatever was on the floor. the man was quick to help me get set up and sent me on my way with ‘good luck’. I think he was sincere. he smiles when he sees me at the mall., but I'm sure anybody would if they showed up crying hysterically with shards of glass instead of a phone.  so that was it. for that story. I had a new iPhone and was able to contact my ‘seven cups of tea’ lady. She recommended I do what you readers are saying, leave him and call the police. but i just couldn't do it. I know how that sounds, but I couldn't. do it. 

my girlfriend, Lauren, (she plays a HUGE role in my safety and mental health, ill explain her too as this goes on) was always willing to get here and force me out. her boyfriend, Brian, just got a new SUV and they could handle me and my items in one trip. I just couldn't. leave. as bad as i wanted to. i couldn't.  So I always ended up lying to her, to make her not feel like she's bothering me. but i knew she cared. she never. ever stopped caring about me and my baby. To her, my daughter was the child she could not have yet, but she did everything she possibly could, organized people to talk to me, and help. i still said no. The next day at work, I showed up with a bruised face, and lied through my teeth. to my manager, my supervisor, HR, and my best friend. They didn't know until after anyway, the week after the episode, it started again. this time, I happened to still be in the office at work, as it was my late night, I finished at 730 and got home at 8 as my dad gave me a ride home twice a week. at around 6pm, he started calling my cell phone. I know he won't call my work unless is an emergency, so i ignored it. then he texted me. he asked me where the weed was. I told him I did not have any, again.  He asked me again, stating I have it hidden somewhere. I told him, no. (the truth) and not to bother me at work. I turned my phone off. I didn't need to be distracted at work. when i finished, and turned my phone on, i had texts from him that were extremely verbally abusive. and sent me a text saying ‘clean the mess up.’ I had no idea what he meant, and he would not answer my texts or my call.  I get home, and theres nothing out of the ordinary. theres a plate in the sink and his liquor bottles on the table, but nothing that I'm not used to.  So I go to the hallway, and on the bedroom door, it says ‘fuck you, idiot loser.’ so I cry and can't hold myself up, so I fall to the ground. i had NO idea what to expect. I opened the bedroom door, and all my clothes, all my makeup, even my metal laundry hamper, was warped. my clothes were ripped (my favourite articles,anyway), my laundry bin (it was three bag things that are held up by a metal pole frame) was completely taken apart and warped. metal everywhere,and all over the apartment.  he broke the only laundry basket we had, tore it into hard plastic shreds, and the bed was flipped over. I cleaned up what I could, turned my phone off,and just bawled my eyes out in the baby room. Im not sure when I fell asleep, but I was teary when I woke up for work the next day. 

on many other occasions, when I've tried to protect myself from his rage and anger, i would run to the nursery and lock the door behind me. We have rips in the wood from him trying to break it in and hurt me.  He has raped me numerous times, forcing me to take it ‘in the ass’ as I'm screaming for no and to get off of me.  Lauren passed away on October 10th, 2016. She was in a car accident with her boyfriend and sister.  I know she would not be proud of me still being here with him, but i now she's happy that I am raising my daughter to be a strong little girl. May she rest in complete peace, I love you. 

I have to get off this computer now, he's demanding i get off. I have a lot more to tell,I promise, I need to get this out of my mind and on paper so i can move on. 

I'm still with him, but these are my last days. His mother is threatening to evict me by not paying rent (i don't have any money, and i never made enough to pay half plus my bus passes and groceries and hydro. I've had to change phone companies 6+ times because they (his mother and him) take all my money and then cry that they don't have enough and want more. did i mention, he has been a no-show at work for the past 3 shifts? did i mention that while I was throwing up from the pregnancy, he screamed and told me to ‘shut the fuck up.’ when i was diagnosed with hyperemesis gavidarum? please help me. because i can't help myself.  and i really really want the help.